One of the main reasons men suffer from premature ejaculation-which simply means reaching orgasm before they ideally want to when they have sex-is because they have a negative mindset. And it’s not surprising when you think about it. Our minds rule our bodies. If we are sad, we cry. If we are happy, we smile and walk confidently. And, yes, if we have the wrong mindset, we guys can climax too early during sex. Here’s how it works.
Let’s take an imaginary guy called James, who reaches orgasm too soon. He knows this and is very, very conscious of the fact that he wishes he could last longer and satisfy himself and his partners more. He’s been sexually active for a few years, it doesn’t really matter how long – the point is, he’s not happy with his performance. Fast forward to a sexual encounter. Even before foreplay has begun – as soon as the opportunity or chance to have sex has arisen – in the back of his mind is the nagging thought, “This time I’d like to last longer than I have in the past, but will I ejaculate too soon?”. Already, either consciously or subconsciously, his performance is tainted with negative emotion. It’s providing extra pressure he really doesn’t need. Before sex he was thinking about foreplay, during foreplay he’s thinking about how he’s going to satisfy the female, and all the while at the back of his mind overshadowing his thoughts is that question, “Am I going to ejaculate too soon?”. This technique focuses on bringing you into the present and avoiding the negative emotion that’s brought on by thinking about what has happened in the past, or what might happen the next time you have sex.
Totally aside from sex, you can witness how we operate on auto-pilot. Everyday, we’re taking ourselves out of the present and into the future when we really don’t need to. Walking down the street you’re thinking of work, at work you’re thinking about sex, during sex…well, we know what you’re thinking about during sex. The point is, to fully relax and focus and enjoy sex for long periods, you need to be in the present. Inadvertently thinking about what might happen – ejaculating too soon – takes your focus off what is actually happening: you’re moving up the stimulation scale. This in turn hampers your ability to identify how close you are to an orgasm, making its prevention impossible.
This technique has one simple goal: to increase your self-awareness and bring you back into the present during sex. It’s used during the plateau stage of sex, the hard part, where keeping control of yourself is the most important and difficult. What you need to do is, every now and then, ask yourself a couple of simple questions in your head. “Do I feel tense or relaxed?” and “How close am I to reaching orgasm?”. It’s really important you say the questions in your head and not just “think” them. Actually say each word.
The first question uses a simple psychological principle to relax you and bring you into the situation at hand. If, after asking yourself if you feel tense, you notice your shoulders are tight, or that you’re tensing your stomach when it’s not necessary, you don’t need to think of what to do next. Your shoulders automatically drop and your tense mid-section relaxes.
Asking yourself the second question, “How close am I to reaching orgasm?” is something you should be doing throughout sex – identifying where you are on the stimulation scale. This brings you into the present and focuses you, but actually saying the question in your head once in a while is doubly effective!