I sometimes hear from wives who are frustrated because their husband has told them that he is unsure about the marriage, but he is dragging his feet when it comes to making a firm decision. As a result, the wife can feel as if her life is on hold. She doesn’t know if she’s going to have to resign herself to a divorce or if she should be trying to save or fight for her marriage.
I heard from a wife who said: “about three months ago, my husband told me that he was no longer sure about our marriage. I asked him what this meant and what he intended to do. He said that he wasn’t sure. He said he just needed some time to think about things and then he would let me know when he had come to a decision. Well, that has been months ago. Since that time, we’ve had some good days and some not so good days. And yet regardless of how things are going, he still has yet to decide what he wants to do. The other day, I once again asked him when he thought he might come to decision and he said that he didn’t know. This is so frustrating. I’m not sure if I’m really in a committed marriage or not. I feel like I’m in limbo. I want him to come to a decision because I am tired of waiting. I’ve thought of giving him a time deadline or ultimatum. I’ve thought of trying to make him jealous with other guys. I’ve thought about telling him that I too have some decisions to make. But I haven’t done any of these things because I still love him and don’t want a divorce. But I’m getting so sick of waiting. What can I do?” I’ll try to answer these questions in the following article.
Waiting For A Possible Positive Answer Is Better Than Pushing For A Swift Negative One: I did understand the frustration that this wife was feeling. When I was waiting for my husband to decide if he was going to come home after a separation, it was the longest wait of my life. So, I completely get the anxiety that this wife was feeling. But, I also know that sometimes if you push too hard too soon, he will feel compelled to give you a swift answer that you might not like. As hard as it is, I personally think that it’s better to have patience and to hold out for the answer that you want (that he wants to save your marriage) rather than pushing so hard that you get the answer you’re dreading (that he wants to end your marriage.)
Place Your Focus On Stacking The Odds In Your Favor: I believe from my own experience that a lot of the frustration in this situation comes from a lack of control. It’s very frustrating to feel as if you are at the mercy of his decision and that your hands are basically tied until then. But, you do have more control than you think. Here’s what you need to understand. He likely doesn’t feel so badly about your marriage that he needs or wants to walk away. If he did, he likely would have come to a negative decision already and acted on it. His inability to act tells me that he’s torn because there are some feelings of love and commitment left.
So, you have to understand that this is something that is very much in your favor. In fact, this is a foundation upon which you can build. I know that it’s difficult to try to strengthen and rebuild your marriage when you know that he has doubts. But this is better than trying to rebuild your marriage once he’s already moved out (which is what I had to do.) Believe it or not, you do have some advantages here. You still live with your husband and have easy access to him. And this woman had admitted that she and her husband had some good days during this time period. So the real key was to continue to have good times and to eliminate the bad times. Ask yourself what might be leading to his doubts and then try to address or eliminate them in a very positive way that strengthens your marriage at the same time.
So my answer to the question posed is that it’s my opinion that you shouldn’t try to “make” or “push” your husband into a decision about your marriage. Instead, experience tells me that you are better off taking control of the situation and setting up your marriage so that there’s absolutely no question that he wants to stay in the marriage because it has transformed into one that makes you both happy. And when you are both happy and fulfilled, why would he decide to leave?