Your husband must have been sending you all kinds of signals that he’s gay, but you’ve been ignoring them or not listening very closely. People tend to listen depending on what kind of image they have about the one who is sending signals, intentionally or not. Worry not about finding difficulties in reaching out to other couples who have the same dilemma. Remember, even King David in the Bible, was very much involved (i.e. engaged intimately) with Jonathan. But still, this can be bothersome. This interesting stage in your marriage can mean the break-up eventually, or even wonderfully, becoming the strong impetus in establishing a stronger, loving, and supportive marriage.
But just how do you figure out if your husband’s gay? Read more closely on some leads (not foolproof, though) that this writer has culled from having friends who have been married to gay men, as well as from his own experiences while being married to a straight woman.
1) He has got one or two close friends who are gay themselves. Nothing sad nor bad about this, but this is pretty obvious. Does this actually matter? Men relate best with people who accept them as they are (or how they think personally of themselves). The issue then is mainly if you will be comfortable with your husband having a gay friend or two, who can be showing up in the family activities once in a while, or who could be always around in your house.
2) He is bringing a male friend home (and even having him stay overnight for some unclear, uncomfortable reason) from nowhere, and working on both of you and his friend to become closer or even more familiar with the presence of each other in your family life. Of course, you may choose not to be friendly with the friend. But this will just make you fail to see that your husband is indeed gay. This practice of bringing home male friends more often than usual can just be innocent (or may mean nothing at all). But this may mean having friends who are men (and who can be closeted as well) who compete for attention from your husband, and who can be influential to him to some noticeable degree.
3) You’re hearing a lot of lies coming from your husband, not only white lies. Not just a few, but some really small ones noticeable for their inconsistency, and that accumulate to something bigger than you can even try to imagine to connect together without getting a clearer picture. Note also that if he can get away with little lies, he’ll try to do more. Analyze these lies, and you’ll soon realize, you’re being conned continuously all throughout the period of your relationship with him. There can be some other reasons, but one possible reason could be he’s lying to you about his being gay.
4) You see or discover items like condoms, lubricants, sex toys, or pictures showing sexy guys that are kept somewhere, or even shown openly to places that you share with him. You may have to worry now, as he’s got to be reminded to be responsible and act safely.
5) The relatives of your husband, including long lost relatives, have been unable to tell you something like an unspoken open secret to you. They’re lost in saying something that they wish they can tell you directly, but just could not. Observe how these relatives relate with your husband, most particularly the parents. They will give you leads, even inconclusive ones, to help you decide if your husband’s gay.
6) You sense your husband is hiding/concealing something very delicate from you. Listen well, and you will find out that they may lead to something bigger, i.e. revealing something about your husband’s preference and interests.
7) Do you see a lot of extremely good looking, or even just very attractive (as some good looking guys are not attractive apparently) guys who are in your husband’s circle? Men whose looks are not of the same league or even those who pale in comparison when seen closely from that of your husband’s looks or built, can be among these people. Or do you see some men who are very muscular, well built, finicky about attires and outfits, very athletic, very pretty or feminine, or even men who are from other races (they may be the types your husband may be attracted to in his fantasies or other secret life). Chances are, they are part of the signs that your husband is indirectly sending you messages that he is gay.
8) Which activities do your husband find most interesting outside of family work and his own job? Do you have similar or very familiar tastes on fashion, design, specific movies (i.e. does he know Irene Cara won an Academy Award for “Fame”?), sports, among others.
9) If he is engaged in chatting more than usual, just like a teenager, online. Or he may be even doing a lot of texting, or doing Google using his mobile phone. Is he viewing porno online? Check if he is actually doing more with other guys online. Check also the sites that he most often visits. You may also check how he crafted his email addresses, i.e. do they sound or read like they’re aliases or disguises for the real person who is your husband? And is he using email addresses that sound far from being formal or regular (i.e. his name or the sound of his name do not appear in these email addresses).
10) You’ve heard him mention male-sounding names when in bed, or while dreaming in sleep. He may just be having dreams of making it with other men.
11) He is playing passive-aggressive most times with you. One underlying yet difficult-to-express reason is because he is not able to tell you he is gay.
But do all these signs weigh heavily on you such that you lose sleep or get frustrated (or worst depressed on and off) because you’re being uncomfortable about your husband who can be gay (and he’s not admitting it)? Well, do you laugh together as well as turn sad or cry together in many moments (more than you can ever count) in your life as a couple together? If so, you’ll have better chances of more fun, and more openness. This discovery of yourself of finding out your husband’s gay will lead to a different outcome in your life’s direction. Decide if this is the path you’d like to pursue with your husband in tow. Wish you the best of luck, then.